Friday, September 24, 2010

Double Life, Take Two

My life has inverted in the past 10 years in many ways, not the least of which is: I'm leading a double life again, but backwards this time.

I was religiously moderate growing up, which practically meant that sexual activity fell under a social "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" contract. Then I chose to be religiously conservative for about twelve years in and after college, which practically meant that sexual activity fell under an "only have with my husband, only discuss with women" contract.

Nowadays, I am religiously liberal, but have varying levels of friendship and acquaintanceship with conservatives and moderates and liberals, who I understand, respect, and love, and who have varying levels of access to details about my sex life, as they wish to know. So I guess it's a step ahead from DADT to "Ask if you wish, but otherwise I won't tell." Perfectly reasonable.

For a while, during my divorce, when I was having my "use fucking as high-octane fuel to rebuild my ego" rampage, my life felt split: I was primarily socially engaged with a community of faith, but I led a double life regarding sex. Since my divorce, I've worked hard to integrate and just have one life, and I love that.

So now, I have an open marriage to an amazingly supportive life partner, regular dates with a playfully creative lover, and a blossoming new career as a sex worker. And I find myself wondering: am I leading a double life, or just being considerate to people who don't care to know details about my sexuality?

It's awesome that now I hide my past religious life more often than I hide my current sexy life. It's not awesome that I feel the need to hide anything again, after working so hard for so long to not hide at all.

It is overly simplistic, and it seems a bit selfish, to just out myself completely with a big "Fuck you" to anyone who disagrees with me. Some of the people in my community are friends of the family - people who lovingly helped raise me. They gave me the confidence to explore my life without fear. It seems like a form of emotional violence to expose my sex life to them without their consent.

Plus, I've been there with them. I understand their perspective, and I respect their choices to believe what they believe. They don't deserve to have something shoved in their face which is unpleasant to them.

And yet, those same people have been concerned about our financial situation since I stopped being able to work 18 months ago, and I want to tell them thank you for their concern, but that we're much better off now (Lord willin' and the creek don't rise... and the phone sex platform don't glitch...), and we're going to be fine.

Thankfully, my family and the friends we've told so far have been awesome. But I suspected they would be.

I'm still trying to figure out what to tell my moderate and conservative loved ones. I trust the answer will come to me, like it always does.

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