Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Heartbreak and Phone Sex, Part III

Part I was about a first -time caller who captured my concern.

Part II was about a regular caller who may have been a two-way addiction.

Part III, today's blog, is about my co-workers, other phone sex operators (PSOs).

I had a new caller over the weekend, we'll call him "Evanston Crush" because he lived part of his life in Evanston, where I went to college (Go Cats!). He'd been reading my blog for two weeks, trying to resist calling me because he didn't want to know if the persona in his head was different than the reality (which I find endearing and flattering).

We had a really sexy call: he asked me about my open marriage, how I pick lovers, how I've explored to  know what I like sexually. Then he started describing all the ways he would enjoy my body, starting with the heart-flutter-inducing, "I would take you under the bleachers at Dyche Stadium and press you up against something solid with my body, grab that incredible ass, and just make out with you for hours." I developed a huge crush on him, instantly (And yes, Dyche is really the name of the stadium).

Our call was suddenly cut off, which is never fun, but usually I can just brush it off. This time I went totally high-school-mentality, "Ohmygod, what if he doesn't call me back? What if I did something wrong? What if he doesn't like me?" And then I laughed at myself, wrote him an email saying I hoped he was okay and I'd love to know why we got cut off, and I looked forward to talking with him again.

Still laughing at myself, I wrote a post on a forum for PSOs titled "Developing Crushes", admitting that I got irrationally attached to some callers. But don't worry, I said, I wasn't giving out my personal info, and no free phone calls (that would be the ultimate taboo on that list), but sometimes I spend more time than I should on email exchanges.

A day later, I checked to find an astonishingly high number of responses. Some were wise and cautious, including warning me that some callers were playing just as much a fantasy version of themselves as most PSOs do, an idea I hadn't consciously considered. Some were empathetic, "Me too! I chat with this one guy about (this topic) for hours, and it makes my day when he calls." And some patted me on the head as a newcomer and told me to be safe with my personal information, but to keep enjoying myself before I got all jaded and bitter.

I expected a few "something is wrong with you" responses, and I got some, which didn't bother me. What did bother me were the responses that conveyed "something is wrong with the men who call us." I don't mind people disrespecting me, but I found it troubling that PSOs would express distaste bordering on contempt for the people who call them.

At first I found it annoying. Then I found it sad. But it has lingered with me for a couple of days now, and I realized that I'm a little heartbroken again.

There are human beings on both sides of the phone line when someone calls. Yes, it's a job. Yes, callers are customers and the call is about meeting the customer's need, not mine. Yes, it's foolish and emotionally dangerous to start relying on customers to take care of you in any way (a lesson I haven't learned completely since sometimes I beg to get fucked over the phone - details here and here - but I consider that within the very limited realm of things I'm comfortable relying on my clients to provide me).

But to spend all day on the phone with people, choosing to distance yourself from them because it's just a job, and you're just about the money, and thinking they're just using you so you might as well just use them... It made me want to hug some of them and tell them that they didn't have to work so hard to protect themselves. That not everyone is out to just use them. Not everyone is trying to hurt them. To let themselves enjoy the company of the people - the real live living breathing humans - who have picked up the phone to engage sexual energies with them. To let themselves draw strength and power from the sexual energy being poured onto them and through them. That it is okay to have cracks in your defenses if it means you can enjoy the sights and sounds and smells and tastes of your days as they pass, instead of hiding away from all the pleasures so you don't run the risk of the slightest bit of pain.

There's a specific mental picture that's breaking my heart: a phone sex provider, feeling lonely or bored or isolated, choosing to ignore all the things that may be interesting or fun or delightful about the person on the other end of the phone. It tears at me to think those moments are being spent together, yet the opportunities for mutual enrichment are being squandered.

I hope, I hope, I hope that every friend of mine who has allowed me to be a significant influence in his/her life, that all of them can see me as an example of someone who understands what it is to be deeply hurt, and yet still chooses to enjoy each possible moment to its fullest, rather than try to live behind a wall, separated from the people I come in contact with by my own fears or judgments.

It's your life, and it's the only one you get! If you have to spend a moment with another person, why wouldn't you want to squeeze every possible good out of that?

I know there are other NiteFlirt phone sex operators who truly enjoy (at least some) of their callers (even if they would never call it a crush), and I'd like to give them a shout-out (in alphabetical order because I could never rank them):
Thanks, ladies, for helping unbreak my heart - when I picture YOU on the phone with your callers, you are exchanging energy, and finding ways to enjoy it when you can. /smooch

9 comments:

  1. What a beautiful piece, Galiana!

    Like yourself, I totally enjoy my calls. I dig the fact that I can facilitate a sexual fantasy for someone, while enjoying it mentally on my end, whilst bringing the voice on the other end of the phone line to a place where HE wants to be! Of course, they are humans, and should be treated accordingly.

    I, too, have gotten very annoyed with some of the responses that your specific post in the forum received. I KNOW that while not every PSO gets romantically involved with her callers, that there is always a chance that it may happen. Albeit a telephone, where we are on one end fulfilling a need for our caller, there is always still the potential of establishing a "friend-like" bond with that person.

    I have callers that have been calling me since day one on NiteFlirt. Almost six years later, I still hear from many, if even for them to just have a friendly chat and inquire as to how my life is going! Call it strange, but that's just the way it is.

    While "we" (the PSO's) are filling some type of void, or taking them away from their less than stellar realities, "they" are still a person with feelings that deserves respect and our attention for the time that they are compensating us for.

    I cannot tell you how many times in the almost six years that I have received an email from a caller THANKING me for being so attentive, and also taking the time to actually email them and THANK THEM for their call. Silly me, I thought all PSO's did/do that? I have found out, they do not, and I think that is plain rude! When someone peruses NiteFlirt and chooses ME out of the thousands of available girls, I OWE that caller a thank you! At least I think I do!

    Don't let a chosen few get you down, as we all have our own way of conducting our business. It is more than obvious, Galiana, that you're an extremely intelligent woman and know exactly what you're doing, and able to follow your instincts on what takes place during or after a call. Your feedback speaks for itself!

    So what if you feel a little "zap" or "tingle", isn't that human nature? I mean, unless you are totally immune to human feelings, you're certainly going to run across a caller every now and again that brings about the "pitter patters", "butterflies", or "sweats"! It's the human response!

    Anyway, great entry! You're doing a fabulous job for the short time that you've been a part of NiteFlirt! Don't let others bring you down! Do what works best for YOU, and screw the rest! Over the years, I have had to learn that, as well as sometimes avoiding the forum all together as there can be just too much negativity for this gal to handle!!

    Continued best wishes to you... ROCK ON!!!

    Luscious Lyndee

    ReplyDelete
  2. I officially have a huge crush on you now, Lyndee. Maybe I shouldn't announce that on my blog...

    ReplyDelete
  3. FYI: There was an anonymous comment which pointed out something that needed to change in my blog post. I changed it, then I deleted her comment, as well as my original response to her comment. Anonymous, if you're reading this, can you let me know if this is better please? I appreciate it, thanks!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I too agree with Galiana, maybe it's because we're both new to being PSO's but I don't care. I truly appreciate each caller I get and the ones that take the time to talk about themselves, find things in common etc are my favorite callers. Every once in a while there will be a guy that calls that stands out from the rest, he's just the kind of guy I fall for. I can't help but have feelings for him it's just my nature. I tell myself.. "try not to get attached etc.. they're probably not getting that attached to you .." but then they'll email, call a lot, send you sweet notes etc and it brings your heart a little closer to that edge.

    It's hard to not get sucked into those deep feelings.. we listen to your fantasies, dreams, wishes. We share what we fantasize about, think about and get into your deepest desires. Get to know someone well enough for who they are inside and there are the beginnings of a very powerful bond.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous, thank you again for helping me! And if it's not good enough, not safe enough, please let me know and I'll change it - if you feel unsafe, someone else will too, maybe someone else who doesn't have your courage to speak up. Happy to make the adjustments.

    I'm going to go back and delete all our comments now so the hidden stuff isn't revealed :)

    Thank you again for making my blog better!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Zellana, I absolutely agree. I also understand that often these bonds are seasonal, just for a time, so I try to appreciate what they are at this very moment and not make anything else of them.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Awww I wouldn't call you a slut for that.. just a woman with a lot of love to share!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have been doing phone sex professionally since I was 18 - it was a conscious career choice...I was a freak, and I saw Girl 6 and thought, "I would be so good at that!" From the very first night I worked, I loved what we do... the softly spoken admissions, the secrets and the - as you described aptly - scrumptious exchange of sexual energy. I had to distance myself from bitter, jaded coworkers' attitudes of disgust towards callers, which at times threatened to suck every ounce of joy from the only occupation which ever felt "right" to me.

    I would liken the glow of a good call to the swell of exuberance I used to feel singing in choir... such a powerful sensation, but with phone sex, quieter...a duet, like harmonizing delicately in a hollow loft.

    You say crush, LOL...

    I agree with your philosophy of gleaning maximum enjoyment from our experiences - my feelings exactly.

    And I do love so much when my clients are tumbling faster and faster into my valley...


    Thank you for the shout-out, adorable little Galiana. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Zellana: I say "slut", you say "woman with a lot of love to share"... I can't tell the difference between those two really :)

    Bellina: There is something very similar between a great call and a well-executed harmony indeed. Although you make it sound so peaceful compared with my mental images of some of your rough-and-tumble calls!

    ReplyDelete