Saturday, October 16, 2010

Domination and Submission

Who is really in control when one person is dominating and another is submitting? Who really has the power there? It's trixie, isn't it? Especially in the world of phone sex.

When someone calls my submissive line and asks me to dominate them, I've come to understand that what they want is a non-scripted topping. They want me to control them, but they want something specific that is springing from their imagination, instead of from the fantasy that someone else has constructed.

If I were a strict, traditional, ritual-based or humiliation-based Domme, I'd tell them to flog themselves for the impertinence of suggesting that they know better than I, and continue on My training program for them with no regard for their desires at all. And, honestly, then I'd be bored. Plus, then, they'd be gone to the next submission line to try to find someone who can give them what they're craving.

But instead, I listen and ask questions: How much pain do you like: spanking, floggers, paddles, clamps, slapping? Humiliation or encouragement or both: name-calling, setting up impossible tasks to punish you for failing, setting up tasks for you to succeed so you can be a good pet? Exhibitionism: have my friends to come over and watch or participate? Bondage: making you hold yourself still, or getting tied up? Feminization: panties, dressing up, makeup, being entered like a woman? Sex: being guided, tease and denial, eventual release, plugs, cock rings, getting pegged?

I don't ask all of that on every call, but that's the idea: I need to know what you enjoy so I can give that to you. So. At that point, who's in charge? Sure, I'm calling you bitch boi and stuffing my strap-on into your mouth, but if I know you love it, then really, I'm serving you.

I'll share a secret with you: When I'm being submissive to someone who understands what pushes my buttons, I think I get the better end of the deal. I get all the attention. I get someone using their creativity to drive me crazy, to explore and see just how many noises the Galiana Squeaky Toy can produce. I get to feed their pleasure and feel them feeding off mine. Maybe they're getting something out of it, too, but I usually feel selfishly, greedily, deeply satisfied after being well-topped.

So I understand what bottoms want. Well, bottoms like me anyway.

When BDSM is cooperative and interactive, the way I like it, and maybe even sometimes playful (/gasp - oh the heresy!), control goes both ways. Attention goes both ways. Passion goes both ways. Ideally, even creativity goes both ways, although more subtly from the sub. They're flip sides of the same coin, domination and submission.

Wanna flip a coin?


  1. When topping someone, I enjoy the feeling of power it creates in me when I can push them to that place of squeaky toy noises. Especially if they've been told not to make noises. Then I can punish them for making the noise and the squeaking starts all over again ;-)

  2. Champ,
    /gasp... you would never!!