Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Why Not Cam?

I've had requests to get on camera (very flattering, thank you!), but I am not yet ready to do so, so I thought I'd explain the bazillion things I want to have in place before I begin. And while we are paying our bills and accumulating some savings on good weeks, we haven't rebuilt our savings to the point of covering a full month's expenses yet, so I won't spend big money on new toys until that goal has been met. Safety first!

(Donations via tributes or Amazon Gift Cards are happily accepted to start a Cam Fund if it's important to you. Sizable donations would certainly speed the process. But I'm not holding my breath - I haven't attracted "sugar daddy" energy so far, so it seems unlikely a Cam Sugar Daddy will magically appear.)

To start, I need a better camera. HD quality. With remote zoom and panning, and the ability to attach a grip or tripod. The ones recommended (via Consumer Reports, Amazon reviews, and informal feedback from other cam operators) run several hundred dollars. What I have now is just the camera in my laptop, which (1) doesn't offer me a lot of angle choices if I also want to be able to see what's happening (2) gives off a creepy blue glow that reflects in my glasses and makes me look like an alien robot - which if awesome if that's your thing, but it's not for most of you (3) has okay picture quality, but not good.

Then I need a real live land line, instead of Voice Over IP, so my voice calls aren't competing for bandwidth with the camera. I could direct voice calls to my mobile phone, but that can be dicey; it would be better to just get a physical land line. We built this house not expecting to need a land line, so this house has literally never had a land line installed, so it would require extra installation charges. When I started phone sex, I didn't want to invest too much in it in case I didn't like it (obviously unnecessary caution there), and it was easier and cheaper to set up VOIP. 

Then I need to decorate the Fuckatorium. It's stark right now. Decorating is not my forte. At. All. I like feng shui for decorating because it gives me a direction so I don't have to choose from the overwhelming feeling of being able to choose anything in the whole world. When my living and working spaces have been decorated, my mom or sister usually did it, and although my sister would love to help, she hasn't been up in ages, and although Mom is supportive, I just can't ask her to go that far.

Decorating the Fuckatorium also includes finally deciding how I want it functionally arranged. It's not set up completely right for my use yet, and I've rearranged it three times already. I need a lot of stuff close at hand and well organized just for phone calls, much less cam: of course the bone phone (and the recharging backup phone), but also my cell phone in case I get texts or personal calls, my computer to take notes or watch a camera during calls, sex toys, a spot that's not on anything wood for sex toys to air dry if I've recently washed them, a drink, snacks... and ideally all of that would be within reach from a variety of positions so I can ergonomically shift all day. 

Paint and light. Right now the walls are a light beige color, close to the color of my skin, which washes me out to nothing, so I need to repaint the room before decorating. And then after I paint, I need to figure out lighting: how to get good enough light so nothing is hidden in shadow without being blinding or throwing off my ability to fall asleep... I perk up in very bright rooms, so if I did cam late at night in a well-lit room, it might literally shift my sleep patterns by hours. I'm not trying to be difficult, I swear, I'm just trying to be honest about how my body responds to light.

Then, true confession: I do not usually lounge around my home in makeup and lingerie. I do often lounge around completely naked because I'm lazy and I like being naked, or in just 1 or 2 pieces of clothing (like a bra and a long-sleeved button up shirt) that I tossed on when the dogs needed to go out that morning. But getting on cam means I would have to actually think about how I was dressed.

And wearing makeup more often means I'd have to get more disciplined about skin care. I have sensitive skin, but it's not dry. The natural oils keep it looking young, which I like, but the sensitivity means I break out like a teenager unless I give my face careful attention at least twice a day. And if I leave makeup on overnight, like if I casually fall asleep in the Fuckatorium, I'm fighting my face for a week to soothe it back down. I'm 40 for goodness sake, why am I still dealing with this? 

Last, but certainly not least for me, is figuring out how to do phone sex in a way that I still enjoy while on camera. When I've played on web cam with out-of-town lovers, I can get so distracted by watching my own goofy expressions that I sometimes forget to just relax and enjoy myself. I close my eyes a lot during sex, to concentrate on the physical sensations, and let those sweep me into a place where I'm not thinking as much, where I'm just feeling. When I open my eyes, it is easier to get back to a place where I'm too much in my head.

The same is true during phone sex, but even more so because I tend to close my eyes and go to a whole new place. I remember one call where he just said we were in a hotel room, but I could see every detail: the crisp, white sheets, the privacy sheer window coverings under a heavy layer of light-blocking fabric, the urban view out the window as if we were hundreds of stories high, and the raised bed, so it felt as though I was floating on the top of the world with him.

I don't know how to do that and also be aware of what I look like on camera. And I don't know how to have phone sex without doing that. I mean, guided masturbation makes sense, and that would be super fun on camera, sure, but when I try to figure out how to accomplish any kind of fantasy or role play, I get kind of baffled.

So. That's the super-long explanation of "Why I Don't Do Cam... Yet." And hopefully, if you do use the services of women on camera, you will now appreciate their offering more fully!

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