Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I Know Why

As my caller reloaded his account, I thought about how I felt when I was first learning about being submissive in a BDSM sense, nine years ago.

I had worked so hard in therapy to take responsibility for my feelings and my actions. I had worked so hard professionally to teach myself technically and be in a position of leadership. I had worked so hard socially to choose friends who gave as much as they took, and treated me with respect. And I had worked so hard personally to admit to myself that I needed to leave the man I thought I'd be with for the rest of my life.

I was tired of working hard. I was tired of being strong. I was tired of standing up for myself. I wanted so badly to find a place I could relax.

I found stories, erotica, of people handing themselves to one another. I envied the submissives, with their hands and legs bound and mouth gagged. I envied their time off from having to make decisions.

I flew a long distance to meet a man who wrote such stories, to let him tie me up, gag me, beat me, use me, teach me. We had written a thousand emails and spoken over the phone dozens of times. I knew he cared for me, and I knew I trusted him, and I knew that I could never explain to anyone exactly why.

For four days, I decided nothing, but I felt everything. I felt every inch of my skin, kissed by floggers and crops and paddles. I felt every curve of my body, explored by his hands and mouth. I felt every muscle, stretched and pushed and twisted in ways I would never have imagined.

The caller came back from reloading his account, holding his breath, wondering what his Mistress had in store for him.
Me: I know why you come to Me
Pet: (barely above a whisper) You do?
Me: You're so strong all the time, aren't you? For everyone else?
Pet: yes
Me: They all need you to be strong, don't they?
Pet: yes... yes
Me: Not with me, pet. You can be weak with Me.
Pet: (crying) yes
Me: I'll take care of you, pet. Let me take it from you. Give it to Me, all of it. Let it go.
... and he did, choking through a release that felt like it loosened a knot in his stomach that had been a lifetime in the making.

Sometimes what I do on the phone is help someone follow a strong biological urge to drain their testicles of sperm.

And sometimes what I do on the phone is help someone feel safe, by hurting them, to let them know they don't have to be in charge.

Thank you, pet. Well done.

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