Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Dilemma of a Reluctant Financial Dominatrix

When I began doing phone sex almost 5 months ago, I had never heard of financial domination as a fetish. Heck, when I started, I had no domination listings whatsoever, but I kept getting requests to be dominant, and enjoyed the calls, so I made a listing.

And now I have people calling me who have a financial domination fetish. I'll be honest: I'm struggling to figure out how to provide it.

The core of the fetish is power and control: you feel that your power is in your money, that your control over your money is power for you. You believe that my power is in my (sex appeal / hypno mind control / whatever). You want to trade your power in exchange for the power I have.

It's not inherently different than wanting to be physically restrained. You have the power of motion. I take it from you. The surrender turns you on. As a restraint enthusiast, I completely understand. It's delicious to relax and trust like that.

The complication is that I genuinely want the best for people, and it's impossible for me to know where your line is between "spending hobby money on something I love" and "jeopardizing my financial well-being". I never want anyone to regret decisions they made with me. I never want someone to feel abused by me.

(Side note: Do I want someone to feel used by me? Yep, absolutely. I want scores of happy sore dicks and pussies and asses and mouths and hands with the memory of me wearing them out for my amusement and enjoyment. Bring it.)

It's a razor thin line for me between giving someone the pleasure they crave and feeling like an abuser. Yes, I want to pay my bills. And yes, I want to rebuild our savings (currently back to 1/4 of a month's expenses because we needed new tires - I ain't gittin filthy rich off this gig just yet). And yes, I love getting tributes and Amazon gift cards and items off my wish list.

But when someone tells me they want to be controlled, and used, and they want me to rape their wallet, I haven't figured out yet how to negotiate that the way I have with BDSM. Start with small amounts of tributes right then on the phone? Treat it as if it is as much of a fantasy as cuckolding and just describe slowly taking over their finances, but really expect nothing (my default so far)? Treat them as responsible adults and just take what I can get and quit worrying about it?

I've read too many stories of people who get themselves into trouble with financial domination. And sure, those stories exist with by-the-minute phone sex as well, but those boundaries are clearer for me. He is choosing to call, and he is choosing when to end the call. I never ask people to add more time unless they tell me they love being asked to reload (well, unless I'm this close to coming and sometimes I say "Oh God no please don't leave me" but I always feel bad about that). But with financial domination, I am asking for, or demanding, the money. It feels different.

An example with a recent hypno caller, and how I've worked it out:

His hypno fetish is not erotically based, it is control-based. He wants to know I have absolutely control over his mind and body, but I can't seem to get an erotic charge out of him when he's tranced (he says it's him, not me, but I still feel bad). His most powerfully fulfilling hypno memories are of being financially dominated, but he does not want to return to the place of having trouble paying bills (zoikes! no kidding).

Our compromise is that I "interrogated" him about his financial limits while he was under hypno, and for every question he answered, he owed me another $1 in tributes after the call (his idea). Now when he calls, we play the interrogation game for somewhere between $20 and $50, so his financial fetish is somewhat satisfied. And I use other methods to demonstrate the control I have over him (like post-hypnotic triggers to tickle him, which are awesomely fun and I love so much).

Another example: I negotiated with a fin dom client that if he has any money left at the end of the month after spending it on me, he had to give 1/2 of it to charity and give me the other half. I made him answer what the maximum amount was in a month, and it was an astonishing figure. So far, I haven't seen any of it except for phone calls. At the end of every month, I'm going to keep telling him to send me his money. But if he doesn't and he calls back, I'll take his calls and not mention it, just like I do with every other fantasy. After all, I don't hold cross-dressing sissies accountable if they've gone to the glory hole like we discussed last time.

I've had fin dom callers say it's a turn-off that I ask so many questions about their safety. I'm learning. I'm getting there. I'm a smart, creative problem solver, I can figure this out.

But still... suggestions are welcome.

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