Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Weight, Weight, I Got This

Since I gorged on fondue tonight celebrating a friend's upcoming wedding, it's a good time to write about my weight.

I was always thin - flat tummy and all - until I was 22. I got told I was cute a lot. I'll let you judge for yourself - this is my passport picture taken a few months after I turned 18, when I was home from college for Thanksgiving my freshman year. That is how I still picture myself in my head, a size 6 or 8, about 65 pounds lighter than I am now.

Between the ages of 22 and 25, I: took a desk job instead of jobs that kept me on my feet, stopped going dancing weekly, went on birth control, and quit smoking. Unsurprisingly, I gained about a pound per month.

I also stopped putting on makeup regularly because I'm lazy, and started wearing my glasses daily instead of contacts, because Chicago is not kind to contacts, and I scratched my corneas one time too many from letting my eyes dry out (please see: "I'm lazy"). It didn't start as a conscious decision to conform less to societal standards of beauty, but that's essentially what I did.

And a funny thing happened: random sexual attention stopped being hurled at me from men I didn't know. I realized one day when a stranger expressed interest in me on the train that (a) it had been weeks or months since anyone had done that and (b) the guy expressing interest seemed smarter, more thoughtful, and generally more attractive than the ass hats who normally wolf-whistled and one-lined at me.

By 24, I was conscious enough of what was happening that I was explaining to friends and family that I had figured out how to successfully avoid the attention of any guy stupid enough to use the term "fat chicks" -- by becoming one.

Honestly, it was kind of a relief. I didn't feel as bombarded by the world. I didn't need to be constantly on guard. I didn't need to stifle smiles or avoid eye contact to sidestep confrontations with jerks who insisted, "You gotta give me your number, cuz you're so hot!" (ummm, what exactly is in that for me?) Thirty pounds and a pair of glasses and no makeup, and I was suddenly the female version of Clark Kent, unmemorable for any but the most astute observer.

I plateaued at size 16-18 (XL) at about age 26, where I have been ever since. That size is statistically average for the United States, but considered "large" in the dating / swinger world. So I figured I should put my listing in BBW when I started doing phone sex work six weeks ago.

Two things have happened since then: (1) I've learned that BBW is larger than just XL in the adult entertainment industry, so I don't really belong in BBW, and (2) I've been dropping weight... ten pounds in the past six weeks. Hilarious! So I moved my main listing from "BBW" to "Sex", where it's probably more at home.

I'm not dieting. I'm naturally dropping the weight in a basically healthy way: when I'm logged in for phone sex, I don't go out to eat as often, and I eat by snacking between calls. So I basically have ten handful-sized meals per day, across the basic food groups, plus vitamins to make sure I don't get leg cramps or rickets if I accidentally don't balance my diet. And I'm elevating my heart rate by masturbating multiple times a day. Seriously. I dunno if it helps, but it couldn't hurt, right?

I'm happy about the weight coming off naturally because I would love to be a little healthier. I would like to be able to go a steady mile at a very fast walk or a slow jog, but I'm not quite there yet. Having less weight is less long-term strain on my back, which I care about now after I injured my back in April.

But I really don't care what my body looks like in terms of being attractive. Everybody is somebody's fetish, and I think sexy is much more about attitude than shape. And at every size, once I say, "I love fucking," I can get plenty of male sexual attention and affirmation. Yay for being a woman!

Well, except... except for one thing. There's one reason I'm hesitant to lose weight. I... I... I don't wanna lose my boobs. My boobs now are boobs I would love on another woman, and I don't want them to shrink. That makes me shallow, doesn't it?


  1. Not shallow--just appropriately concerned!

  2. /giggle at Star Bear... I agree!

  3. OMG, thank you for putting into words what I've thought for YEARS! In my early twenties, I was thin and sexy, by all accounts but my own, and was just a piece of meat anytime I walked past a man or group of men.
    I've gained some weight since then and now, I know I'm attractive but not thought of in the same way and am so much happier. It's an incredible joy to be appreciated for my eyes, or hair or smile or intellect rather than my figure.
    Also, bewbs. :D

  4. You're welcome! I don't mind being appreciated for any attribute, but I think I'd know what to do with a hot body now more than I did then. Of course, now it's harder to get one...

    Also, yay bewbs!! /giggle