The First Thing I Learned

The first thing I learned being a PSO is that I'm not good at being mean.

I mean, I knew I wasn't mean very often, but I kind of assumed that if I tried to be mean to someone who was asking for me to be mean to them, I'd manage to do okay at it.

Not so much. The best I can do is kind of echo back phrases that people feed me, with minor variations. If I try to think of mean things to say, they just kind of bounce around in my head, unwilling to come out of my mouth.

So when I'm asked to play Mean Mistress, I can do things like "Tell me what you want" and then whatever they answer, I tell them it's an unacceptable answer. Sure. I can set up a psychological double-bind all day long.

But tell someone they're unworthy? Useless? Pathetic? Destined for failure? I just don't believe that about anyone, and I hope nobody believes it about themselves, so I can't seem to shove that out of my mouth.

Good to know my limitations, I guess!

EDIT: A year later, in Aug 2011, I wrote this:

A year and a fortnight ago, I thought I would never find sexual stimulation in humiliating another person, and even if I did, I wouldn’t be very good at it. After making someone come twice in ten minutes from scathingly deriding his lack of sexual adequacy, leading to an adrenaline-fueled big fat POW of an orgasm for me while I told him he could never get me off that well, I concluded I had been mistaken.

Your honor, please let the record reflect the defendant's apparent change of heart.