Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Another Reason to Love the Job

If you've been following this blog, you know a few things: (1) I've been inconsistent lately because I've just moved and (2) I have a mysterious neurological vertigo that makes me feel like I'm drunk all the time, and makes some things tricky for me. Some things like... moving, for example.

Yesterday, I'd had a day where it felt like there were too many decisions coming at me from too many directions, and the feeling of chaos increased my vertigo significantly. I didn't do well collaborating on tasks, even collaborating with people I love a lot, and I ended the afternoon by drawing the only-sort-of-kidding conclusion that I no longer know how to play well with others.

It was not surprising that I had a difficult day; difficult days happen. I'm adjusting to a new home, a new rhythm, and being close to family who love me a lot, but who haven't been with me day in and day out with this crazy brain-drunk thing I have going on, so they're not sure what I need yet, so we're all learning together how to be in closer proximity and make it work for all of us.

It was very surprising, however, to feel how strongly I wanted to get into my not-quite-fully-set-up-yet Fuckatorium and turn on the phone sex lines. Really? That seemed illogical... I should have been wiped out and cranky, but no, there was an almost overpowering urge to have sexy time on the phones.

When my first caller said hello, I consciously understood what my sometimes-not-so-addled subconscious must have already worked out: it felt fucking fantastic to narrow the whole world down to the energy of one person.

On the phones, I can do: just. one. thing.

Turns out, that after a complicated day of having to fight with myself, and sometimes with others, to remember to keep my focus, keep my cool, stay on target, use the Force... after pulling out all my Jedi mind tricks to try to figure out whether or not these were actually the droids I was looking for...

He said his name, and it felt like the rest of the world melted away, and I found myself with just one thing to do: talk with him. Just one thing to focus on: his lust. Just one thing to concern myself with: this exchange of delicious emotional and sexual energy.

Wow. I needed that.

So, to all six gentlemen I talked with last night: thank you. You were exactly what I needed. You reminded me of why I can do this whole crazy phone sex gig, even when there are other things in my life that I can't do as well as I used to. You reminded me of why I feel stronger and braver and more whole now than I did eight months ago. Thank you.

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