Monday, January 3, 2011

If I Call You "Love"

If I happen to call you "love" when we're on the phone, either...

I've been watching too many British shows and have that verbal rhythm in my head, or

I've recently done a girlfriend / wife role play with a caller where he tells me he loves me, so I say it back to him in that context; he usually says he loves me right around the time he also tells me that he's arranged for a well-hung black man to come over and fuck the hell out of me in front of him, but he knows it won't change how I feel about him, or

I've been musing about this post about Love, the English Language, and Not Completely Pretending, and how love is, for me, a point in time where I decide to to act in someone else's best interest as long as it does not harm me...

I'm not a long-term commitment kind of a girl. I only agreed to marry my husband if our wedding vows contained no unconditional promises about the years to come. His vow to me was, "I've asked you every day since we got engaged if you still want to marry me. Today's the important day. Do you still want to marry me?" And my vow to him was, "What it means for us to love each other looks different today than it ever has before, and it is different than it will ever be again. I can't promise you what it means for the future, but I'll do my best to figure it out with you. Do you still want to marry me?"

Side note: When there are unpleasant chores to be done around the house, one of us will inevitably say "But you promised in your vows to obey me!" to which the other will reply, "I didn't promise you shit," followed by something super-romantic like, "You're lucky I'm still here!" The foundation of our relationship seems to be mutual amusement...

My point in sharing my wedding anti-vows is that I believe that love exists primarily in the actions of a moment. String together enough loving moments, and you have a loving relationship. But I don't think you choose a loving relationship and then choose to act lovingly; I think you choose to act lovingly and thereby build a loving relationship.

So sometimes, on the phone, I respond with love, as I understand it, with a giving of myself for the good of another.

I felt loving when I honestly described what an honor it would be to meet one caller and fulfill a very specific BDSM submission fantasy, which has profound symbolism for him, and I let his emotions touch me.

I felt loving when I knelt in front of an exhausted-sounded business man and describing washing, massaging, and licking his feet while he let go of the tension of his mind and relaxed into his body.

I felt loving when I looked past my heartbreak over the physical limitations of a caller with a degenerative muscular disorder, and described athletic romping with him that helped him feel strong and tough and capable, if only for that moment.

... so it's possible that if I call you "love" when we're together, then in that moment, I felt a rush of love for you, genuine love to the best of my ability to define it, and it spilled out of my mouth before I could stop it.

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