Friday, July 1, 2011

Sugar Daddy Musings

In theory, developing an in-person relationship with a new lover with Sugar Daddy energy would be perfect for me. My husband and I are openly non-monogamous, he often travels for work, and I have bills to pay and love to share.

So earlier this week, I found a few "dating" sites specifically designed for Sugar Daddies/Mommas to find Sugar Babies (also of both sexes - hooray for GLBTQ progress) and signed up for the two with the most interesting combination of features.

After a brief flurry of activity, this letter arrived in my brain: 
Dear Galiana in 2011,

Remember when you developed a fantastic long-distance BDSM relationship with a Dom over about six months, met him in person, it was awesome, then tried to quickly replicate it via an online kink site, and it ended in disappointment?

Remember when you developed a fantastic long-distance flirting relationship with a bi girl / straight guy couple over about six months, met them in person, it was awesome, then tried to quickly replicate it via an online swingers site, and it ended in disappointment?

So even though rumor has it that you might or might not have recently developed a fantastic long-distance lover relationship with a gentleman with Sugar Daddy tendencies over about six months of having phone sex with him, met him in person, and it was awesome, perhaps you have already learned the lesson that you cannot replicate such relationships quickly via online sites.

Do us a favor and skip the disappointment.

Love, Galiana from 2003

Don't get me wrong: I have had success in developing relationships with lovers from online sites. But it takes time, and energy, and patience, and the emotional fortitude to keep up your hope and hold fast to your standards. Add in my bizarre circumstances (I'm married, I'm a phone sex worker, I have vertigo...), and it starts to feel ... well ... it feels like a job.

And you know what? I have a job already, thank you very much. A job I love. Honestly, Galiana, the last thing you need is to be distracting yourself by having to politely turn away dozens of men who can't read or write complete sentences. If I wanted to do that, I would answer my email on my OK Cupid profile, which states I'm not looking, but I still get email (I set it up to be see callers' profiles to help them with their listings - I'm a damn fine profile coach if I do say so myself).

But just like with other dating / hookup sites, the majority of people on the Sugar Daddy sites are of average intelligence. It makes sense mathematically - the majority is average - that's not cruel, that's just the math (well, it might be the mean... heh, nerd joke).

I will not be a good long-term match with someone of average intelligence. So in order to find a good match, I need to take the time to sift through the majority to uncover the gold, which is less than 1% by volume. Hmmm, in that metaphor, the majority is dirt, and I'm not comfortable with that, because all people have value, but I can't quickly think of a better metaphor at the moment. But just to be clear: nobody is dirt, even if I don't happen to want to fuck them. 

I'm picky. I know. I need a someone who is smart, funny, honest, free of STDs, willing to use condoms, committed to usually doing the right thing (however it's defined for him), understanding of my circumstances, patient with my limits, has Sugar Daddy tendencies, and is filled head to toe with insatiable lust for me. Quite a combo.

Also, frankly, the whole dynamic still freaks me out, because it feels like I would be whoring myself out if I evaluated a potential partner based on how much of a girlfriend allowance he could give me. I mean, it would be whoring myself out. That's clear to me. And it doesn't fit me right, like a new shoe with a pointed toe in the wrong shape: it pinches me, and I want to take it off and walk around in my hippie free love bare feet again.

Maybe I'll return to the idea some time when I feel like I have an extra hour or two per day to sift. That day is clearly not today, because this afternoon, I'm going to the airport to pick up my smart, funny, honest, STD-free, do-the-right-thing, compassionate, patient, generous, lusty husband, and that makes me the luckiest girl in the world already.

See ya tomorrow :)

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