Sunday, May 22, 2011

Continuing to Overshare

Warning: this blog post is long, emotionally complicated, and contains almost nothing at all about phone sex (Inner Slut: sheeeeeeesh, again? The Rest of the Gang: Oh, hush, you.)

When I started phone sex and started blogging honestly about my experiences, I got a lot of positive feedback for being "real" (although every woman who answers a phone sex call is a real person, so I kind of hate that term, but I understand that it means that I use my own pictures, and the only lie I tell is to give myself a stage name).

The potential downside to oversharing (possibly one could say even: compulsive oversharing?) is that if you need some privacy for a bit, people get worried about you.

I've never done well at updating people during transitions. Why bother, when it's all about to change anyway, right? I know, that's not helpful - the least I could do is say "I'm in transition," which is what I've tried to do lately, with varying degrees of success.

So here's what has been changing: in February, we made the decision to move to Houston March 1 and for my my husband to get a job outside the house. Since then, (1) we moved (2) he has accepted and started four different jobs (3) my social schedule is totally different because my family is here, and (4) I may or may not have found a medicine to help me with my vertigo.

I have yet to feel settled in any way since about Feb 15. That's a long time to feel unsettled.

The details of the hub's job churn are unimportant here, but the churn itself has been significant because every week has brought significant conversations about our choices and what might be changing. It is hard to "be here now" and live the life you have to live today when you're spending the day trying to project into the future to plan.

In math, a Cartesian product (aka product set) is the combination of all possible choices, so the Cartesian product of (Ace through King) x (spades, diamonds, hearts, clubs) = 52 cards, each of which has a unique combination of a value and a suit.

I've been doing Cartesian products on my life... and it's been a bit overwhelming. What if he gets a job here, and I do this, and then this offer comes through, and we shift that...

In happy happy news, though, seeing my family more has been amazingly wonderful. Not so happy: it's been hard on my vertigo - I have definitely pushed myself more than once. Totally, utterly worth it. No doubt.

So that brings us to the horse tranquilizers... I didn't think they would work, honestly. I have tried more than 30 medicines, only two of which have been helpful, so odds were good that these wouldn't help much either.

Let me backtrack a bit: after I got vertigo, before I started phone sex, my doctors and I worked out a list of dozens of meds to try, and a protocol for trying them. I visited two doctors once a quarter, reporting on all the bizarre, rare side effects I had, and getting prescriptions for the next round of test drugs. We all figured that one day, we'd stumble on something that worked, but none of knew which one it would be.

Then I had a few really unpleasant drug trials, which ... ummmm.... discouraged me from continuing to try new drugs, to put it mildly. More accurately, my response was along the lines of, "Fuck that shit, I'm better off limiting how much I do instead of ever feeling that way ever again."

So I stopped trying new drugs. And shortly thereafter, I started phone sex, and it gave me a convenient excuse to keep stalling. After all, I didn't want to figure out that the medicine gave me nausea or hallucinations or mood swings while I was on the phone with a caller - it's funny to think about it, and if I were writing my life as a movie, I would totally have that happen, but it would be horrible if it really occurred.

So in the transition between the hub's third and fourth job, I realized that I was too stressed about those upcoming changes to be feeling sexy enough for phone sex, so I might as well try a medicine that doubled as anti-anxiety, right? Hmmmm, let's see, what's on the list of prescriptions I already have? Oh, hey look, barbiturates! Perrrrrrrrfect.

So I've been seven days now on a very teeny tiny miniscule dosage of a barbiturate. Like, if I were maxing out the anti-seizure dosage, I would be taking approximately 100 times as much... so really, it's an extraordinarily small amount.

This is only the third time I've gotten to seven days, and the other two times ended up having no effect at all. To say I'm encouraged would be a vast understatement.

But I am super cautious about getting my hopes too high. There are lots of activities to try before I know how this stuff affects me in every situation. And the efficacy can wear down, so there are dosages to play with. And side effects can show up over long-term usage that are not immediately apparent. So even if it ends up being helpful, I'm a long, long way from a definitive answer about exactly how it will be helpful.

But that's the caution. Here's the good news: I'm less dizzy on my horse tranquilizers, and I seem to be able to do more activities in a day. On Thursday, I drove in to my sister's, had lunch with her and a friend, helped her de-tangle and sort and organize her jewelry, stayed long enough to greet the nieces after school and be silly, drove home, loaded the dogs in the car, went to a dog park, came home and made dinner, and still felt good enough to go out and get a milkshake. Lunch and jewelry would normally be pushing it for me. Soooooo. Yeah. That's a big deal.

Here's the bad news: chatting and writing seem to be taking a hit. I can't make myself want to log on to chat, and when I have, I am quickly overwhelmed. It just moves too fast for my newly-mellowed brain. And obviously, all the blog entries I have planned have been languishing as well.

Here's more good news, though: I have had a few phone sex calls, and I seem to be fine - I'm no more incoherent than usual, and although I'm a bit more laid-back, that doesn't hurt me. I try to stay relaxed on the phone anyway, so I'm not sure anyone will notice. Family and friends have said they would assume I was a bit sleepy at worst - I can live with that.

Even more good news: I'm nowhere near un-dizzy enough to do data analysis or technical management again, so I'll be sticking with phone sex as a means to pay my portion of the bills. I have tested being in multi-way conversations, like I would need to do if I were facilitating even the simplest of team meetings, and I'm a giant fail. Also, the computer work I've done suggests that sustained data analysis is still way way way out of reach.

So my phone sex schedule will continue taking a back seat to doing the science of figuring out if I can fix my brain somewhat. It'll come back. Eventually. Somehow.

But I wanted to overshare with you, sort of as an explanation for not being available more often, and sort of to share my extremely preliminary joy with you. And sort of just to keep alive my grand tradition of having a phone sex blog that contains almost no sex... dammit. I will fix that some day, I swear.


  1. Galiana, hello :)

    This is my first read of your blog and I love you on sight.

    Among the many reasons I relate. I'm big on over sharing, but only online. I'm passionate about the so-called "sins" of life - I mean where the hell would we be without them? I've spent a lifetime and dozens of meds getting my brain chemistry balanced. And I'm a natural iconoclast. I suspect you are, too.

    Happy to be your latest follower,

  2. Dina, welcome to my corner of the big bad innerwebs! I don't consider myself an intentional iconoclast, although I do highly encourage personal examination of beliefs, which sometimes leads to their destruction, but that part isn't my fault, is it? I hope your brain is doing well these days! XO - Galiana