I try to keep this blog focused on positive things for a few reasons:
- The blog should reflect the same aspects of my personality as I reflect on-phone, and I always make sure I'm in a positive space before I log in to take phone sex calls
- I want to remember the positive things more than I want to remember the negative ones
- I have other resources to process negative things: family, friends, and a therapist I used to see who I could see again if I wished
- I don't want negative images of me stuck in your mind, because I want you to see me as: smart, fun, creative, sex-positive, and self-assured-but-with-random-incongruous-bouts-of-insecurity
But I can't shake this call by my usual channels: I think I broke up with a caller.
The story wants to be written and shared here on the blog, and it can't be tricked by being written and saved, or emailed to a confidant. I've written enough in my life to know that when your stories are insistent over time, your mental health improves greatly by just letting the damn things have their way.
All I have is my perception of what happened. Well, my memory, my perception, and my very non-professional guesses about his psychology (also known at my house as "shrinking") based on about six hours of phone time, spread over seven calls, over about six weeks.
Here's my side of the story. I expect, as with all good breakup stories, his would be wildly different.
CALL 1 (179 min): We spent about 45 mins talking about how other PSOs had rejected him, because he had a non-traditional cuckold fantasy. He emphasized his need for honesty from me, even in the midst of fantasy and role play. I think I understood his unique spin, then we "played" for almost two hours.
The role play was the conversation between a couple where he convinces her to have sex with someone else, during which he had me touch myself, but not climax. The actual sex with another person happened "off stage". The role play wrapped up after the other guy left. Neither of us climaxed, but he said it went well for him.
I was exhausted, of course, from a 3-hour call, and I had a few questions about whether or not I had made the right decisions a few times when he said things that surprised me. But overall, I was proud of myself for hanging in there and helping him with a fantasy that apparently many other PSOs had not been able to perform satisfactorily. My Inner Perfectionist, who looooooves a challenge, was extremely pleased. Great start!
CALL 2 (106 min): I got clarification about the moments of uncertainty from the first call, and we launched into a role play Part B, the follow-up conversation between the couple a few weeks later. As we talked about how our relationship had changed, he had me play with myself again, and this time had me climax, but continue the conversation.
The role play shifted back and forth from this mystery couple to him asking me about my experiences and responses of being non-monogamous. Then, out of the blue for me, he asked me "real name". As I detail in
this blog post, I tried to explain to him why Galiana feels more like my real name than my birth name. He cut me off with a comment along the lines of, "So it's going to be like that, is it?" He asked me if I'd gotten off, and abruptly ended the call.
I'll be honest, I was hurt. I'd been genuinely sharing with him, really reaching into some vulnerable places, and I felt like he cut me off without listening to my perspective at all. Plus, he changed the rules mid-stream: my legal name was never offered, and that's not a bargain I would ever make. I have strict rules about privacy from years of finding lovers online, and they're not negotiable.
CALL 3 (7 min): I sent him a link to the blog post about my name, and he called to apologize. It was a lovely call, with great connection between us. Neither of us had time to play for an extended time, so we just made up and hung up. I felt great about it.
After all, people you have never had conflict with? Maybe they're good friends and maybe they're not. But people you've successfully worked through conflict with? They have potential to be good friends for the long haul, no matter what arises. So far, so good.
CALL 4 (31 min): No chat, just wanted to hear me play with myself, and kept instructing "harder" and "faster". Remembering his requests for honesty, after about the third back-to-back orgasm with no pause, no break, I told him I needed a breather because he'd worn me out. I was literally starting to hyperventilate, and I had become very dizzy. I can play for a long time if I have variety and little pauses, but I can't just keep climaxing hard over and over and over with no slow-downs.
When I said he'd worn me out, he said, "Oh. So you don't want to keep talking to me then. Fine." and as I was saying "No, that's not it, I just to breathe like a normal person for a few minutes so I don't pass out!" he hung up. I wrote him a note explaining, and hoped he'd call back.
CALL 5 (16 min): He didn't have time to play, just wanted to catch up. We laughed that if the worst problem I have is having too many orgasms, I've got a pretty good life. He reiterated that he didn't want me to fake anything with him, and he'd rather me catch my breath than fake it. No static from Call 4, as if nothing had gone awry. Cool. We're good then.
CALL 6 (27 min): Almost an exact repeat of Call 4. He wanted to hear me play with myself, not describe any kind of action with him. Wanted harder, faster, more. Wanted to hear me come over and over. I held out longer between orgasms, but I didn't fake anything. When I got to the part where I needed to breathe for a second, I said, "This is amazing, but I need a break for a sec. Let me breathe and then we can continue", being careful to be as positive as possible.
He told me that I didn't want to talk with him, and hung up -- again. So I wrote to him --again. And explained, in detail, including a reminder about
my vertigo, that I have physical limits, and he had reached them. And in that email, I said that I hoped we could have a conversation some day that didn't end with him being frustrated with me.
I had doubts about how I handled it. Sure, he'd said he didn't want me faking, but since I knew how it might end if I didn't fake, should I have just started faking, slowed down my breathing, adjusted on the fly so I could continue to sound as if I were in a constant state of hyper-arousal for some indeterminately punishing length of time? Or did I do the right thing by remaining honest at his request? Was it my responsibility to give him what he wanted even if he didn't know it? Or his responsibility to know what he wanted?
CALL 7 (3 min):
Him: Hello, girl.
Me: (His name)! Hi!
Him: How are you today?
Me: Good, how are you?
Him: What are you up to?
Me: Oh, you're not answering questions about you today? (pause) Okay, no problem. What am I up to? I'm just puttering around the house, doing chores, writing blog entries, the usual. You?
Him: Are you glad to hear from me?
Me: Oops, sorry, I forgot you're not answering questions about you today - I'll try to remember to quit asking them. Of course I'm glad to hear from you.
Him: What's wrong?
Me: What?
Him: What's wrong?
Me: (baffled) Ummmm, nothing's wrong. (trying to figure out what he meant) I'm glad to hear from you, I'm trying not to ask you questions because you're avoiding answering them, and that's a little confusing. But nothing's wrong.
Him: You don't want to talk to me.
Me: (long pause while I get instantly furious and cool down a bit) I did. I really did. I wanted to talk to you. But now I don't. I don't need to be told that I'm doing something wrong this early in the call. Let's just not do this. (I hang up)
My Notes: Probably broke up with him.
You know what? Maybe I did sound a little weird because (a) I was nervous about not wanting to accidentally piss him off and (b) I had just gotten off the toilet and washed my hands was a touch distracted getting back to the Fuckatorium. Maybe I was nervous. Not resistant, nervous. Can you always tell the difference between those two? No, because nobody can with 100% assurance... which leads me to...
MY THOUGHTS:
Don't tell me how I feel: I hate being told how I feel. I've spent many years and many therapy dollars understanding how I feel, and I'm pretty good at it. Nobody else is. And in reverse, I don't know how anybody else feels, either. The best guess one can make with any accuracy is, "You seem to be feeling ____, is that true?" and if someone says otherwise, I try to take them at their word. But I respond strongly, quickly, and negatively to being told how I feel, so "You don't want to talk to me" was not a smart word choice.
Don't talk with Angry Galiana: It was probably best that I hung up on him. I am not angry often, but when I am angry, I am cutting. It's not nice, it's not pretty, and it's not who I want to be, so I have learned to walk away and cool down until I feel more able to choose my words, instead of just listening to them shoot out of me like ninja stars with frighteningly accurate aim.
More amateur shrinking, and an inexplicable shift to the second person: It is possible to convince yourself that people are rejecting you, and reinforce that idea by reading rejection into people's responses, until you actually cause rejection to happen. There are only so many times that most people will tolerate being asked if they're annoyed before they genuinely become annoyed, even if they were not at all annoyed before you asked. You can convince yourself that you're being intuitive, or perceptive ( "See? S/He really wanted to reject me after all!"), when actually, you made that happen by assuming and reinforcing it. You can assume rejection into reality.
That inexplicably-second-person paragraph is a general thing I believe can be true of anyone, and I believe it is true in this specific circumstance with this caller. The phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy" is about exactly this phenomenon.
My unprofessional opinion, to be taken with a grain of salt: I think he actually has a rejection fetish, not a cuckold fetish, but I don't think he knows it. I think he sets up elaborate rejections by PSOs so he can reinforce some negative idea about himself (he's misunderstood? he's too particular? he'll always be rejected? I don't know). I'd guess that he's waiting on pins and needles for his wife to leave him, and that he's missing out on some amazing comfort and love from her by being suspicious of her.
What I bet he thinks: I bet he thinks that I never wanted to talk with him, that I just tolerated him until finally he uncovered my distaste for him. I bet he thinks it has to do with his fantasy. I bet he would never consider the sentiment I expressed to my friend while discussing the situation, "It's not about the size of his cock... it's about him being a crappy listener!"
Such. A. Woman: Did I really just boil that whole thing down into "He should improve his listening and communication skills"? Sheesh. Could I be any more stereotypically female? No. Great. Now I'm a little annoyed with myself, too...
Better Now? Writing this all out has clarified the situation. It was helpful to remind myself that he was demanding utter honesty. I can't decide why I'm publishing it, though, other than to get it out of my head so I can move on to other, sexier stories. I hope I'm not being vengeful.
I also hope that he gets what he needs, whether that is another PSO to continue rejecting him and accepting him back endlessly, strings of PSOs to continue rejecting him, the light bulb that he has a rejection fetish, or the perfect PSO who never does anything wrong to finally explore his fantasy to its fullest. I wish it could have been me without all the mad, but if it can't be me, I hope he finds whatever it is that will help him become his best self.
