The short version: my husband got to consensually smack an adorable masochistic college student in her early 20s, and I got to grab her boobs, and it was awesome. The rest of this blog post is the long version.
When we moved here in October, we knew the fastest way to find open-minded friends would probably be to involve ourselves with the kink / BDSM community. FetLife seemed a good place to start: a high concentration of people who won't disapprove of my phone sex career, and FetLife is excellent at discovering community events.
We went to a "munch" first, the name of a group event held in a public place for the purpose of socializing, but also to screen newcomers. You don't want newbies' first contact to be at a play party. You want them somewhere else first to give a less-charged place to ask questions, and to screen them. To pass that screening, most groups only require that you seem non-pathological and non-tar-babyish (a tar baby is someone who won't let you go once you touch them).
Here's how you seem non-pathological: Smile when you meet new people. Don't touch anybody until they touch you / offer to be touched (offering a hand for a shake, offering a hug, etc). Don't assume you have any rights - ask respectfully about everything, even if you're a Dom (especially if you're a Dom). Ask engaging questions about the interests of others (which types of play do you enjoy? which types of events do you enjoy? how long have you been in the community?). Ask questions about the community (how often do you meet? are there play parties? are there educational events?).
Here's how you avoid seeming like a tar-baby: Approach every event with the attitude that you'll find a play partner at the *next* event, but not at this one, to take the pressure off yourself - today, you are only building your reputation as an awesome person. If someone has spent more than 10 minutes with you, thank them for their time and attention, tell them you'd love to take up their whole evening, but ask if they need to mingle instead, thereby graciously releasing them if they wish to move on, and if they say no and stay with you, smile and thank them casually. If you compliment someone, don't follow it up with an awkward pause that communicates "see? I'm nice, now don't you want to fuck me?" and instead move on to the next topic as if you didn't just compliment them.
Other anti-tar-baby tips: Don't ask anyone to fuck you, or if you must and they say no, DO NOT ask again because that shit will get your ass thrown out. Don't ask anyone to play with you, or if you must as they say no, DO NOT ask again... You see the pattern here, right? It's best to wait until at least your third event before you ask to play (but accepting another's offer can happen any time) to avoid being seen as needy.
Never assume you have the same privileges as someone else. Story time to explain this point:
At our first introductory munch, the woman sitting next to my husband was playfully choked by two attendees. My husband DID NOT have permission to choke her, for two reasons: (1) he had never asked to choke her and (2) she had never offered to let him choke her. This is not complicated.
Along those same lines, because it was our first munch, and the first time my husband had met that woman, it would have been awkward for him to ask to choke her. Wait till he meets her for the third time.
Instead, my husband watched her being choked, and after the first choker left, he complimented her on how beautiful her expressions were when it was happening (compliments are good as long as you don't fall silent and stare expectantly after them), and before she had the chance to be awkward about accepting a compliment, he asked her how she found out she liked being choked. She got to tell a sexy story, he enjoyed hearing her sexy story, then they naturally wandered off into other topics with other people, with no awkwardness. She friended him on FetLife after the event. Who knows if they'll ever play together? But at least she isn't creeped out by him.
Anyway, the woman sitting next to me was AWESOME about explaining the structure of the community, who organized events, and what happened in the area. She was a natural greeter, an information fountain, very sweet. We friended each other on FetLife. The important thing is that we did not creep her out, which we did by being friendly and relaxed and grateful for her information.
Four days later, she posted on FetLife that she and her boyfriend/Dom had broken up (we had met him too). We asked her to dinner to take her mind off things, and to say thanks for the kick-ass introduction to the community she had given us, and she accepted. After dinner, she came back to our house and hung out with my husband while I worked upstairs. I heard a lot of giggling. They didn't play. My husband had all kinds of amusing stories to tell me later of how he cheered her up and learned a bit more about the locals. We engaged her and her friends on her FetLife posts in supportive, amusing ways.
So now we had a munch and a private dinner, and nobody has played, and we hadn't asked anybody to play. We were just nice. Neighborly. Kind. Supportive. That's it.
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| Yay bewbs |
Since I had not been able to show my boobs the previous weekend at hub's holiday party, I busted em out for this one (picture taken before we left, when my lipstick still looked good).
We found ourselves at a cozy party of 10 where we were the only ones in our 40s, and only one guy in his 30s, and the rest were young whippersnappers. We mostly succeeded in the unnatural effort of "not dropping 80s references".
The hostess had obviously played before with one of the guests, since he kept picking up things and hitting her with them... hard. It made her giggle. Another guest brought her floggers and crop to show off. Several of the other kinky gifts were also things to beat people with. People started asking to try out toys, getting smacked and smacking for a few moments at a time.
Here's the important thing: everyone asked first, before trying a toy, and before hitting someone else. Everyone started out soft. Nobody hit harder until they were told they could. Everyone stopped when the person getting hit said "That's good, thanks!" I got to feel the spatula, the dowel rod, the crop, and one of the floggers. I got to use all of the above on others. Fun!
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| I wore the hat the whole party |
After they took a break, the hostess, clearly happy with the flogging, invited anyone at the party to hit her with anything. She was standing close to me at the time, still topless, and I said, "What about grabbing your awesome boobs?" and she said, "You can do that!" so I totally did. They were awesome.
About half an hour later, my husband wanted to see how the crop handled, so he asked the hostess if he could smack her with it. Note: she had already given permission to everyone to hit her, and yet, he still asked. She enthusiastically agreed, and after a few good swats, it was obvious that she really really really liked the crop a lot (she'd never had one), and he was really really really enjoying hitting her with it, and the room got quiet and watched, which obviously turned both of them on even more.
Twenty minutes later, when she was starting to bruise... badly... he slowed down, thanked her profusely, told her that he was so honored to have beaten her, and stayed with her until she hugged him and insisted she didn't need aftercare (he wasn't calling it that, but he was behaving in an aftercare-ish kind of a way), at which point he quietly faded to a different conversation.
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| Silly hat and awesome boobs, as we were leaving, with vertigo goofiness kicking in |
We wrote her after the party and thanked her again for hosting, for being willing to be groped, for being willing to be beaten, and for welcoming us into the community.
So now we have new friends on FetLife (everyone from the party accepted our invites), we're signed up for another munch and another party in January, and we have a start on a fun sense of community.
The key to success? We weren't assuming we would play. We weren't pushing for play. We approached opportunities to play cautiously, with a lot of mutual respect and double-checking (my husband checked in with the hostess he was beating constantly because they didn't negotiate ahead of time). We approached the entire community and each interaction as if we were cultural anthropologists entering the temple of a religion we didn't know very well, but needed to learn more about. Respect everyone, ask permission for everything, assume nothing, and accept offers graciously.
And maybe you'll get to grab a coed's boobs. Squeeeee!
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