Saturday, November 10, 2012


My mom in Houston got 60 days' notice that her apartment building was being torn down. My sister helped her through a whirlwind decision-making cycle, resulting in a move just one week later on Nov 8. I felt helpless to assist from Illinois, until I checked air fares, which weren't too bad, so I flew down Nov 6 for a crazy week.   

Even though Mom doesn't have a ton of stuff in her clutter-free, well-organized one bedroom apartment, and she is blessed with enough savings and early-move cash incentives to afford to pay for packers, movers, and unpackers (holy cow, that was nice), still, moving is a pain, and I was very glad to be able to help. I owe her karmically for my two moves in 2011, to put it mildly.  

To amuse myself, I started compiling a list of things I almost said to my mother, but managed to not say. In some cases, barely.   

"That furniture wrap works just like bondage tape" #ThoughtsIAlmostSaidToMom

"With this yoga outfit, it's a shame the gang isn't here to ogle me for all the bending over" #ThoughtsIAlmostSaidToMom

"I don't think they could see cooch through the window, just boobs" #ThoughtsIAlmostSaidToMom 

"That's a book light? It looks so much like the WeVibe my lover gave me" #ThoughtsIAlmostSaidToMom

"No, save that duster, it would make a good sensation play toy" #ThoughtsIAlmostSaidToMom

"That's a book light? It looks so much like the WeVibe my lover gave me" #ThoughtsIAlmostSaidToMom

"This shower curtain liner smells just like my big black dildo" #ThoughtsIAlmostSaidToMom 

Mom: Nicely hung! Perfect in one hole! 
Me (#ThoughtsIAlmostSaidToMom): "That's what she said!"

Mom: you've done enough, you're off. 
Me: after I hang that last bedroom picture. 
Mom: you're failing at "off". 
Me (#ThoughtsIAlmostSaidToMom) "Oh no, no, you're wrong: I totally rock at getting off."

It's been wonderful to be here. As always, we have laughed a lot at ridiculous things I have said, in addition to the ones I managed to keep to myself.   

Postscript: I know I haven't written in a while. I'm alive. I haven't been taking appointments for a few months now, because unfortunately, my vertigo seems to have taken a turn for the unpredictable. Activities with unknown outcomes include writing, talking on the phone, and having orgasms. In good news, I had a great birthday, a fun Halloween, and I have plans for a November packes to the gills with friends and family. I hope to write about all of it eventually, but don't hold your breath.   

In the meantime, I'm slowly moving closer to recording podcasts to see how I like it, if I think it's sustainable. I have a microphone, I understand noise filtering, and I know where to host shows. It seems possible to me that when I do have bursts of productivity, I could potentially do that. Fingers crossed anyway, right?  

I hope all is well with you & yours.

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